My compass is losing the north

My compass is disoriented, lost, confused, “name it”. This is how I felt at the beginning of November in front of my life now. Because we all know it, this month is synonymous with depression. The sun takes its vacation, the outside temperature drops dramatically, and Madam Snow decides to show up. And believe me, my facial expression says a lot about my moods this time of year.

That evening, I was completely shocked when I started to analyze myself. It was nine o’clock, I was sitting at my work desk, my nose in my books, suddenly realizing that I had only done that in my day. I had spent more than 8 consecutive hours at the stake like crazy for an exam. For an exam? Yeah, for a review. And all that for what in the end? What was all those hours of mental pain going to bring me? Here was my problem.

I had lost sight of the goals I was aiming for. I didn’t even know why I was doing all this anymore, why I had even started all this one day. Was it really worth it? I doubted it very well.

Whereas yesterday I thought I was on the right path and following the well-marked road on which I had been placed, today I no longer knew anything. Here I am now telling my mom that I was still looking for myself, that I didn’t know if I wanted to continue my studies, if I still liked my job, or if my routine still made me really happy. I was in a bind and knew that no one else was going to know where I was going with all of this. But, then if no one or I had an answer, how was I going to get out of it?

So many unanswered questions for a girl who wanders in her thoughts. And I tell myself that I certainly shouldn’t be the only one in this situation. Whether we all hit a wall one day or another. To be suddenly questioning the why of all our actions and not seeing the end.

I am a girl who needs to see the concrete result of my efforts and my actions. It’s a bit like at work. Most people manage to stay motivated because they know they have a well-earned paycheck waiting for them at the end of the week. It’s the same for me. I need to know where everything is going to lead. Doing things for the merit of doing them doesn’t interest me.

Deep down, I have probably lost sight of my interests in frivolous obligations. Some would say that you never do anything for nothing in life. However, I have the impression of the opposite by not seeing the fruit of my actions.

Problem is, I’ll never really know. Well aware that everything can change at any moment, I must live a life whose purpose I do not know. It’s a bit disheartening. But it’s mostly insecure for a girl like me who has this need to be constantly reassured knowing what to expect.

Maybe one day I will find the answers to my questions. Maybe even that day, I’ll finally know what I want and what I want it for. But in the meantime, I keep doing what I’ve been taught and what I do so well: paddle through the void in search of my destination.

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