For the past few months, I have had the impression of living in black and white. I feel like my life is on hold. That I’m just waiting, passing the time, one day at a time, to finally get somewhere. But this somewhere, I don’t know exactly what it is.
I know that I am waiting, like everyone else, for the end of the pandemic, because we want to find some semblance of normal life. I make myself believe that when all this is behind us, I will feel myself again. That I will find my outings with friends, my favorite activities that have been taken from me, my colleagues…. But is this really what’s going to happen?
I think I have too high expectations for the end of this pandemic. As if all of a sudden all my problems will be solved. But it’s rarely that easy, life. It is seldom the case that everything is sorted out like magic without the slightest effort. We live in a world so different from what we have known, that what we have known is broken and I don’t know if, one day, we will have used enough Crazy Glue to put everything back together. I have the impression that whatever, we will all be marked forever.
I am currently hesitating between letting myself have the right to do nothing and want nothing, because we are experiencing an exceptional situation, or, on the contrary, prepare myself for a return to normalcy. Now I have gone for the first option, but I also feel that by doing nothing (and when I say do nothing, I REALLY mean do nothing) everything just gets more and more gray, and the colors are fading every day, which makes me lose some of the me before. So I question myself.
And if, in the end, I wanted to prepare for the return to normal life, where do I start?
At the start of the pandemic, I lived one day at a time for it to end faster, because the unknown scared me. Today, I live one day at a time because I don’t know how to do otherwise. I don’t know how to motivate myself to discover new passions at 26 (if I didn’t like drawing last year, I don’t like it anymore). I don’t know how to start over with new variables that I didn’t choose.
I write these words and I am surprised. It is not in my personal branding , that, see in gray. I’m the girl who sees the glass half full all the fucking time . I see the glass half full for the people around me who are unable to do so. But not there. And accepting that, too, is difficult and it has been a journey in itself.
However, I believe in our resilience and our ability to adapt. If we’ve been through all of this, it’s not for nothing and it will stay with us forever. All I know is that someday I’m going to look back on this time in my life and I’m going to be happy it’s over, but most of all I’m going to be happy to see how much it has. learned about myself. I know now that I can get to the point of breaking down, and that I need to be gentle with myself. And that, I hope, I will keep it with me for the rest of my life.